Face-Lift 1501

Guess the Plot

Rabbitheart

1. Superheroes have been the thing for over a century and all the good names are either in use or under various restrictions. Floyd has tried everything from bribes to generators to, well it wasn't really theft. Maybe the media coverage on his small animal rescue operation will generate something good. Also Pogo.

2. When innovative heart transplant surgeon Gregory Lassiter realizes his patient will die before a suitable donor heart can be located, he is forced to an unusual extreme: using the heart of a rabbit. But with no recently deceased rabbits available, can he acquire a heart without incurring the wrath of his wife, president of the local PETA chapter?

3. When Bob calls on the empire's armies to follow him into battle, they ask him who the hell he is, and he knows "Bob" isn't going to cut it. But in retrospect, he should have come up with something better than . . . Rabbitheart.

 

4. Raised by humans, he leaves his homeland and joins the army of a nearby kingdom, keeping his identity secret. When the enemy approaches, and his comrades are outnumbered, will he have to reveal his powers to save them? And if so, will the name Rabbitheart live forever in history?

5. Alice has always been shy and easily frightened, but when the love of her life is kidnapped, she feels she must do something about it. Filled with a newfound but as of yet frail bravery, Alice pursues the men who abducted her husband with the help of a retired detective.

Original Version

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent Last Name,

I hope you will consider my debut novel, RABBITHEART (89,800), an adult fantasy set in a world watched over by cruel gods.

Elias is afraid. If anyone realized he wasn’t human — a secret known only by the humans who raised him and the spirits begging for his attention — it would cost his family their lives. To protect them, he leaves his homeland for the first and final time. After entering a kingdom embroiled in civil war, Elias is rescued by a prince who is challenging his brother for the throne. Amongst the prince’s soldiers Elias finds a community where he can belong, so long as his disguise remains intact. [I assume that eventually you'll tell us what he is so we can . . . wait, I just remembered the title. Is he a rabbit? A rabbit wearing a disguise so realistic everyone thinks he's human?] [When the humans who raised him first got him, did they think they were adopting a child, only to discover he was a rabbit in disguise? Or did they know they were adopting a rabbit, and provided him with a human disguise so they could bring him places where pets weren't allowed?] [I just have one question. Actually I have several, but here's the first one. Why will Elias's family all lose their lives if anyone finds out Elias is a rabbit?

However, he soon learns the ruthless churn of war waits for no one and that it threatens to rip away everything and everyone he’s gained. Desperate to save his newfound family, Elias faces enemy soldiers, gods, and nightmares of his own creation. [Nice try, putting "gods" in the middle of your list where I might miss it. Elias takes on gods? Are these the cruel gods mentioned in the first sentence? Does Elias have super powers? My research reveals that there was once a rabbit with super powers who had his own comic book but my guess is that his enemies were farmers and foxes, not Thor and Ares. Whoa! I stand corrected. Here he is on the cover of issue 12, out-strengthening Atlas:

Of course, it's possible Elias is not a rabbit, but an alien from another planet, possibly Krypton, and that he has numerous powers, and looks human even when not wearing his disguise, which is a pair of glasses, and that he has the heart of a rabbit, though not literally.]

RABBITHEART combines the theme of found family amongst the horrors of war in Adrian Tchaikovsky’s House of Open Wounds with the fraught dynamic between the privileged and the oppressed in M.L. Wang’s Blood Over Bright Haven. [I wonder what the agent would think if you included issue 12 of Super Rabbit among your comp titles.]

While writing Elias’s story, I drew on the lived experience of never quite fitting in anywhere. I’ve yet to run into a war zone to escape this reality, but, I’m experienced with masking to avoid discovery and the toll it takes. I live in Michigan[, where I don't fit in] with my husband and our dog and cat.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours,

Notes

Fortunately, your plot summary is only six sentences, which means you have room to add some badly needed details like what Elias is, and what he can do. Other possible additions: an example of the gods' cruelty; why spirits are begging for Elias's attention; whether the nightmares he creates are real; why, when he is one in a community of soldiers, and presumably the least experienced, it's up to him to save them. This information may make it clear that the fantastical elements are vital to the story.

You could carry the plot further by going into Elias's plan to save the world, rather than just telling us what he faces.

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html 

Face-Lift 1500!

Guess the Plot

My Soul a Stage

1. After helping her best friend with a film project, and not being included in the credits, Dal ends the friendship, just as her grandfather lost many friends during the Korean War.

2. Actor James Fleming lived for the theater, so much so that when he died his soul returned to Earth as a Broadway stage. Sadly, it's not easy to enjoy productions when all you see are the bottoms of actors' shoes.

3. Agnes's psychologist told her to envision her feelings as people to help her to learn to interact with them in a more healthy way. However, after putting them in the spotlight, Agnes has found it more interesting to watch the fallout from the wings.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

Dal has spent her early twenties slowly disappearing—passive at work, drifting among acquaintances, afraid of sinking further into loneliness. Then she meets Callia—brilliant, magnetic, untouchable—and, for the first time, she feels seen. Their friendship is intoxicating, the kind that makes Dal believe she is special, chosen, needed. She would do anything for Callia.

Then Callia unveils her latest art piece: a breathtaking video installation that Dal and her brother helped create. But when the credits roll and Callia faces great success [receives great acclaim?] , their names remain missing. Blindsided and betrayed, Dal is forced to confront a painful truth: Has she ever truly been seen, or has she spent her life becoming whatever others needed? [I'm not sure a question is a truth. Unless it's rhetorical, like when I ask myself, Isn't it about time you quit doing this blog? Maybe "ask herself a painful question"? Although she was probably already asking herself that question before she met Callie. The painful question she now should be asking is, Has Callie been using me all this time to advance her own career, and how much can I sue her for?

Does Dal ask Callia for an explanation? If so, which of these is Callia's reply:

1. I intentionally, maliciously left you out of the credits.

2. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, it was an innocent but unforgivable oversight that I will immediately rectify.

3. I couldn't credit you because you were DEI hires. Didn't wanna get on Elon's bad side.

Even if the explanation is the worst possible, that reflects poorly on Callia, and says nothing about how Dal has spent her life. If only Dal's wise grandfather were still alive, he could convince her of this.]

Lost, Dal rediscovers a memoir written by her late grandfather, a man she barely knew. His words pull her into the turbulence of 20th-century Korea—war, exile, survival—and as she pieces together his past, she begins to understand her own: the fear of being seen, the quiet grief of self-erasure. If Dal wants to truly live, she must finally step into her own life, unscripted. [And her first step will be planning and getting away with Callia's murder.] [Note how much more interesting your plot became when I added something specific to your somewhat vague ending. If I got the facts wrong, maybe there's something specific in your book you can replace mine with.] [Though a better idea would be to steal mine.]

My Soul a Stage is a 61,000-word novel that blends contemporary fiction with memoir. It will appeal to readers of Banana Yoshimoto’s Dead-End Memories and Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, exploring emotional isolation, self-discovery, and the weight of Korean heritage and family loss.

Loosely based on my own early twenties, [when my best friend Callie won the science fair with a project I helped her on, and didn't credit me, and I will NEVER FORGIVE HER,] the novel draws from my experience reading my grandfather’s memoir during a bleak time. The memoir sections are taken directly from his real, unpublished writings, which inspired me to tell this story.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

A well-written query. Grandfather's memoir about war, exile, survival doesn't strike me as highly comparable to Dal's story but I'm sure you connect them effectively. Possibly if you provide details of what Dal contributed to the art piece, and how much time, we'd have a better understanding of why Dal felt this hurtful but possibly unintentional slight for which she was owed a sincere apology, was an unforgivable betrayal not unlike the betrayal of Korea by Hong Bokwong during the Mongol invasion of Goryeo.

Face-Lift 1499

 

Guess the Plot

The Great Magical Brew-Off

1. Na-ni and Hespeth have a centuries-long witchy rivalry over everything from men to vacation spots to astroscopes. This year it will be tea/coffee/beer brewing and Jackson is the poor sod kidnapped off the street and forced to be judge. The real question is afterwards, for how many centuries will he be a toad?

2. When the village potion maker's apothecary burns down there goes her livelihood--unless she can win the All-Villages Brew-Off. But her main competition is her ex-boyfriend, who needs the money to study how to raise the dead. Also, they still have the hots for each other.

3. The leprechauns have gathered for the annual brew-off of Irish whiskey, but when Cillian wins, Keefe accuses him of using a bottle of Keefe's winning brew from last year, which Cillian say is blarney, and the judges can't agree on which one deserves the pot of gold. Hilarity ensues.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

 

Seren Mage can brew any potion her customers desire, but she can’t figure out the right ingredients to mend her broken heart. She’s tried everything from whiskey to faerie dust. Yet the man she once loved keeps haunting her as she stumbles over his poems hidden behind jars of witches’ warts and photographs tucked into tomes. If only she could forget how happy Leo and her [she] were and cement her future as the grumpy village potioneer. When her latest efforts at banishing the memories goes awry [Matters go from bad to much worse when] Seren’s apothecary burns to the ground and, with it, her livelihood.  

 

Leo Arcana didn’t want to study necromancy; he wanted to be a potions professor. But he’d do anything to make his father proud. His great-great-grandfather was the last Arcana powerful enough to raise the dead and if Leo’s father has his way, Leo will be the next. So he did what was expected of him, breaking up with the girl of his dreams to study blood-soaked grimoires in a musty dungeon. When he doesn’t secure the scholarship he needs to further his education, he risks being a disappointment yet again and is desperate for a solution. 

 

Luckily, the all-villages brewing competition promises a large cash prize for the winner. When Seren and Leo enter, the last thing they expect to see is the [each] other. If they want a spot in the finale, they’ll need to confront the heartache and lingering attraction they feel. There can only be one winner and with their futures hanging in the balance, Leo and Seren face a difficult choice: the money or each other. [Are you saying if they choose each other, they can't enter the competition, and if they choose to enter the competition, they can't be together . . . even if neither of them wins it? (So far, neither has even secured a spot in the finale, so it's too early to be choosing the money.) 

Apparently the only way they can't be together is if Leo wins the competition, and goes back to the dungeon till he learns to raise the dead. Though they should agree that if either of them wins the money, they'll use it to rebuild the apothecary and then use its profits to help fund Leo's education. (In that order. If they use the prize money to fund the education, Leo will dump her when he graduates, and Seren will be living under a bridge. It's a story as old as time.) They'll have each other until the apothecary is up and running, and by then, possibly Leo's father will "accidentally" have drunk a potion that turns him into a toad, and Leo won't feel obligated to finish his education.

 

THE GREAT MAGICAL BREW OFF is a paranormal romance, estimated at 85,000 [pages?]. It will appeal to fans of the second chance romance in The Ex Hex by Erin Sterling and the competition setting of Love and Other Disasters by Anita Kelly. Though intended as a standalone, it has the potential for expansion.

 

When not writing, I’m being tricked into feeding my black cat a second dinner and wishing I could own a farm of Highland cows.

Notes

No complaints from me, except to say that the difficult choice would seem more difficult if it were about what to spend the money on. Possibly with Leo saying apothecary and Seren saying education. You can say one of them wins, without giving away which one in the query.

Also, as Leo did what was expected of him by his father, presumably to avoid disappointing him, when you say he risks being a disappointment "yet" again, I wonder if he's been a disappointment with some frequency. Perhaps you just mean not wanting to study necromancy was a big disappointment to dad.

Face-Lift 1498

Guess the Plot

Like Mother

1. The daughters of mother earth are sent on generational ships to terraform barren planets in the goldilocks zones of their respective stars. Unfortunately, bears don't exist just in fairy tales.

2. They say "Like mother, like daughter." And that's what Petka's afraid of, since her mother was a Bulgarian alcoholic who killed herself. 

3. Charles was expected to carry on the family tradition, and become a lawyer, like his mother. But he has his "sights" set on becoming the first blind person to win a Formula One automobile race.

4. Chakka's mother is a famous soprano, but Chakka doesn't know A flat from G sharp. That won't stop her from trying out for a reality show singing competition, against her mom's advice. Two years later, Chakka's made millions off her three number one indy rock hits, and her mom has lost her voice after a bout with covid. 

Original Version

Dear agent,

LIKE MOTHER is a 73,000-word dual-timeline upmarket novel set in the U.S. and Bulgaria. It is a fictionalized memoir based on my experiences. Fans of Yaa Gyasi's Transcendent Kingdom and Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation would enjoy this book.

When Petka gets a DUI, she hits bottom and returns to Bulgaria [Anytime you decide the answer to your problems is a trip to Bulgaria, you've definitely hit rock bottom.] to find out how to not become her mother. Afraid that she'll repeat her mother's past, Petka returns to the home she and her parents fled after the Fall of Communism. [Most of that information can be gleaned from the previous sentence.] [Wait, after the fall of communism, couldn't they just leave without "fleeing"?] [Also, Bulgaria seems like the place she would go if she did want to become her Bulgarian mother.] In Bulgaria, Petka unearths family secrets that may hold the key to why her mother took her own life as she approaches the same [when she was Petka's] age. [Does Petka consider the possibility that her mother took her life because she lived in Bulgaria?] Surrounded by Bulgaria's folklore, magic, and history of patriarchy, Petka confronts the ghosts haunting her family, [Magic and ghosts! Finally we're getting somewhere.] like her uncle Ilya, who has been missing for thirty years; [My guess: 30 years ago Ilya suddenly realized he was living in Bulgaria.] the fallout her parents sparked when they converted from communist-sponsored atheism to evangelical Christianity; and the secrets Baba Levka—her mother's mother—won't tell. [In the previous sentence, she unearthed family secrets. Apparently with no help from Baba Levka.] It doesn’t help that Petka’s relatives keep calling her by her mother’s name. [Which was Baba Yaga.] As she battles with the question of if we're [Refusing to accept that she's] fated to repeat generational curses and traumas, Petka reaches for healing, sobriety, and a new relationship with her past.

I was born in Sofia, Bulgaria [, and I'm definitely NEVER returning]. Excerpts from LIKE MOTHER have won the Nomadic Press award, the WNBA-SF award, and were semi-finalists or honorable mentions for the Miami Book Fair, San Francisco Writers Conference, and U.S. Fulbright Grant in Creative Writing. Excerpts have been published in Business Insider, phoebe, and The Common. [Is there any part of this novel that hasn't already been published or celebrated?] [You have a lot of laurels, but they're all about this book, so perhaps limit the list to the two or three most impressive ones.] [Also, Business Insider? Was that the chapter where Petka starts a rehab facility in Sofia?] I have an MFA in Creative Nonfiction from Goucher College and BA in English from UC Berkeley. I live in San Francisco with my fiancé. I am also working on two contemporary upmarket millennial novels titled SATURN RETURN and TULUMINATI. [You should be working on Ilya's Return, so if this novel is a hit, you have a sequel underway.] 

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

There were a few awkward places in there. I've made some changes below, probably getting some facts wrong, but leaving room for you to add something specific at the end, preferably something important that happens or some revelation or decision that moves the story forward. 

When Petka gets a DUI, she fears she's becoming her mother, an alcoholic who committed suicide when she was Petka's age. Afraid that she's repeating her mother's past, Petka returns to the Bulgarian home where she grew up. There, Petka unearths family secrets that may hold the key to why her mother took her own life. 

Surrounded by Bulgaria's folklore, magic, and history of patriarchy, Petka confronts the ghosts haunting her family, including the disappearance of her uncle Ilya, thirty years ago; the fallout her parents sparked when they converted from communist-sponsored atheism to evangelical Christianity; and the secrets her mother's mother won't tell. It doesn’t help that Petka’s relatives keep calling her by her mother’s name. 

Refusing to  accept that she's fated to repeat generational curses and traumas, Petka reaches for healing, sobriety, and a new relationship with her past. 

You list three ghosts, but I can't tell if all or any of them point to why mom took her life. Maybe choose one of them to focus on, so you have room to elaborate on Baba's secrets or the religion fallout, or how long after Ilya disappears Mom dies, explaining the relevance.

Face-Lift 1497

Guess the Plot

The Beastloak and the Mystic Maya

1. A Mayan, time-stranded from the Yucatan, fights monsters in an AI generated hallucination while an AI generated teenager finds himself stranded in the Yucatan trying to convince a mystic of the upcoming drought. Not clear whether they ever meet.

2. 16-year-old Elil wants to meet the legendary Beastloak, but he gets framed for a crime and forced by a phoenix to sign a contract agreeing to learn an ancient ritual that sends souls to the stars. Not clear whether he ever meets the Beastloak.

3. When K'inich Ahau, the Maya day sun, tries to take charge of the calendar, the night jaguar, who controls the night sun, is having none of it. The fate of the civilization is on the line. As they appear at different times, it's not clear whether K'inich ever meets the Night Jaguar.

4. The Beastloak, a Hindu Yeti, has been attacking villages throughout Kashmir. One village hires the mystic Maya to protect them with magic, and the Beastloak does bypass the village, but some claim it was a coincidence, and Maya should not be paid. Especially as it's not clear Maya ever encountered the Beastloak.

Original Version

Dear [Agent's Name],

The Agniakka Phoenix is up to something, for she stabs her two dear brothers and goes into hiding. [When you say someone's up to something, you normally mean their actions suggest that they might be planning do something bad. In this case the Phoenix seems already to have done it. Unless stabbing her brothers and going into hiding is just step one in her diabolical plan to rule the world.] Meanwhile, all his life, shy, curious, sixteen-year-old Elil has only ever wanted to meet the legendary Beastloak, superpowered humans who can tame nature. [When you say "meanwhile," we expect you to tell us something that's happening at the same time as the stabbing/hiding event, not something that's been going on for the past decade.] [Also, a 16-year-old who's never wanted anything except to meet characters from a legend? Even when I was half that age I didn't believe Superman and Spiderman were real.] But when an earthen pot carried by fireflies enters his room and a siren named Vasilisa alters his fate, Elil finds himself entangled in something far greater. [Normally we say that Bob enters the room carrying a pizza, not a pizza carried by Bob enters the room.] Elil and his unique bunch of friends are framed for a crime, [What crime?] and they end up signing the infamous Muglomaniyam Contract with the Goddess of Beasts, the Agniakka Phoenix herself. [Isn't the Phoenix in hiding? Last I heard, she was in hiding.] The contract requires them to learn the Punarjanam art, the art of rebirth and reincarnation, as one of its many conditions. [When the 1st paragraph of your query includes the words "Agniakka," "Beastloak," "Muglomaniyam," and "Punarjanam," it's a rare agent who'll make it to the 2nd paragraph.]

Elil and his friends have to perform the mythical Punarjanam Display— a ritual meant to guide a wandering soul to the stars. A soul whose blood is on their hands.  [Why is it on their hands?] As they struggle with their new powers [What new powers?] and the ancient forces at play, Elil and his friends must unravel the Phoenix’s true motives before they lose not just their freedom but their very souls. [What are the Phoenix's true motives? Because I find it hard to believe the Agniakka Phoenix cares whether one sixteen-year-old kid learns the Punarjanam art.] [Also, I'd get rid of the first sentence where she stabs two people and goes into hiding. That seems irrelevant, if not contradictory, to the rest of the query in which she plays an active role.

[Personalization]

The Beastloak and The Mystic Maya (87,000 words) is a YA fantasy novel that blends elements of Indian mythology, fun, and mystery akin to Roshni Chokshi’s Aru Shah and The End of Time, in a diverse, fairytale-esque, beast-worshipping world similar to Samantha Shannon’s The Priory of the Orange Tree.

The book also explores themes of identity, hard work, feeling not good enough, and lacking a sense of belonging, all of which are very personal to me.

As someone born and raised in India, I have an incurable love for Hindu Myths. While pursuing my degree in computer science, I stumbled upon animations, graphics and game design that inspired me to create my own fantasy world.

While, The Beastloak is majorly inspired by Hindu myths, I imagine this mythology of Beasts as a parent mythology of all myths (since all include magical creatures). That’s why unicorns, wyverns, fairies, etc. are included. Also, few names like Vasilisa, Foyerford, etc. exist because many Indian Christians have western names.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have pasted the requested material and would be happy to provide additional materials at your request.

Notes

The material after your plot summary is longer than the plot summary. Most of it is unnecessary.

You can't hit us with all those strange words. Maybe in the book, but not the query. Call the Agniakka

Phoenix the goddess of beasts. No need to name the contract or the art or the ritual. Just say:  . . . they end up signing a contract with the Goddess of Beasts, requiring them to learn the art of rebirth and reincarnation. Then: Elil and his friends have to perform an ancient ritual meant to guide a wandering soul to the stars. 

More importantly, even if you address all the issues I've brought up, I don't know what your story is. What does Elil want? You start by saying he's always wanted to meet the Beastloak, but then you say he's entangled in something greater. Apparently the new goal is to learn a ritual in order to keep from being punished for a crime he didn't commit. Though if he has blood on his hands, maybe he did commit a crime.

Why doesn't the Goddess appear before him and ask him nicely to learn the ritual and perform the Display, instead of framing him for a crime and blackmailing him into doing it?

Where your title comes from doesn't have to be obvious in your query, but I can't help wondering if the Beastloak and the Mystic Maya play a bigger role in the story than you've let on.

Start over. Who's your main character, what's his situation, what's his goal? What's his plan to achieve this goal? What's stopping him? What will happen if he fails? What decision must he make that will decide the fate of the world, or at least of him? 

Help Wanted

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1496

Guess the Plot

Tainted

1. Ember has telekinetic magic abilities, which are considered tainted by some in her kingdom. She is sentenced to be executed, but escapes and goes to war against her homeland, which is probably grounds for

the future king to break off their engagement.

2. The land is tainted, because the king is tainted. Can Melano figure out the cure, or is the kingdom doomed to crumble? And what if the cure is . . . murder!

3. Suppose for a moment humans are biologically compatible with every alien species in existence (though they aren't compatible with each other). Yeah, Miglish is a hybrid human with genetics from several alien races that despise each other, and him. He's determined to bring peace to the galaxy, even if he has to enlist every hitman sent after him to do it.

4. When the White House doctor gives the president blood pressure meds laced with LSD, the president turns the running of the country over to an unelected buffoon who somehow manages to dismantle the government and loot the treasury in five weeks, then skips town.

5. No one knows how the village water supply became tainted with poison, but fortunately, Roderick's spring is bubbling with clean H2O. He's also charging 50 pounds a liter, so he may not be long for this world.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT],

I would like to offer TAINTED, a fantasy romance complete at 99,000 words, for your consideration.

TAINTED is a standalone with series potential and my debut novel. It combines the rivals-to-lovers romance of Olivia Rose Darling’s Fear the Flames, with the character-driven arc of Charissa Weaks’ The Witch Collector, while challenging readers’ perception of the true heroes as seen in Carissa Broadbent’s The Serpent and the Wings of Night. [If you replace the Darling book with one by Clarissa Wild, your comp title authors would be Clarissa, Charissa, and Carissa. How could any agent resist that?] [If I'm to adequately critique your query, I must stop here and read your three comp titles. Just kidding. I used to do that, but now I just ask Chat GPT to tell me each story in three sentences. Takes less than a minute total.]

Betrothed to the Crown Prince since birth, 25-year-old Ember has always known her destiny: [is destined] to live in the [forever in his] shadow of the man she is bound to marry.

[But] During the Allocation, a sacred ceremony where Offerings are assigned to their elemental House, Ember’s world is turned upside down. Instead of joining her family in House Fire, her magic is declared tainted…evil. Once destined to be Queen, Ember is deemed a threat to the kingdom and finds her gilded cage replaced by cold, unforgiving bars of iron as she awaits execution. [Why didn't she use her tainted magic to turn the people trying to imprison her into marble statues?]

Rescued by a group of strangers, Ember flees everything she has ever known. That is, until she discovers a familiar face among her rescuers - a man she thought dead, the tainted heir to House Water and her former rival. [Was he also scheduled for execution?] [I was never happy with paper covers rock as one of the possible results in rock paper scissors. Covering isn't the same as cutting or breaking. In fact, I contend that rock would puncture paper. I propose a new game, Fire, Water, Plumber, in which Water extinguishes Fire, Fire burns Plumber, Plumber shuts off Water.]

With nowhere else to go, she is thrust into the heart of a rebellion determined to overthrow the kingdom she once called home. [It seems more likely they were taking her hostage rather than rescuing her, if they're rebelling against her kingdom. Has she shown sympathy to their cause up until then?]

Ember's telekinetic magic is highly sought-after, providing the opportunity to shape her own future. But freedom comes at a cost. [Why didn't she use her telekinetic magic to bring the key to her prison cell to her from the hook on the wall near the guard's desk?] To fight for the rebellion's cause will require her to make a difficult choice - can she fight in a war against her family? [She needed a bunch of strangers to bust her out of prison because her family was willing to watch her be executed. I think she can go to war against them.] 

As she wrestles with her decision [No need to ever wrestle with a decision when you can just use fire, water, plumber.] and masters her magic, Ember’s feelings for her former rival grow. She advances quickly through the rebellion’s ranks until a dangerous mission sends her back to the heart of the kingdom that betrayed her.

When the mission goes awry, Ember is dragged back to the dungeons she once escaped. Facing execution yet again, she learns the rebellion is outmatched and the lives of those she loves rest on her shoulders. If Ember is to save them, she will need to break free of her cage once and for all. [Ah, this is where she acquires the key through magic. Sorry if I spoiled the ending.] 

I hold a BA in Journalism and have spent nearly a decade working as a Journalist or in Communications. When I’m not writing, I’m escaping into romance and fantasy novels.

Thank you for your time. 

Notes

What kind of king lets his kingdom's future queen be sentenced to death? Any king worth his salt would have had those who sentenced her tortured and killed. Who gets to decide whether someone's magic is tainted? Is there some kind of test, like these elders tell Ember to move a chair across the room with telekinesis, and she does, and they accuse her of being the devil?

Why weren't Ember and the Crown Prince married eight or ten years ago? She's 25. That's ancient for someone betrothed at birth.

This is too long for a query letter. You can save 20 words by dropping the third comp title. And put that paragraph after the plot summary. If you drop the last two plot paragraphs, you end with her dilemma, and it's only nine sentences, which is about right. This leaves out the part where Ember's feelings for her rival grow, but when you compare your book to a rivals-to-lovers romance, we'll get it.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1494 would like feedback on the following version of the query

Dear {Agent},

Four deaths quietly bob in the wake of a noble vigilante – overlooked because homicides just don’t happen in Camden, New Hampshire.

 

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be, but he wasn’t thought to be the suicidal type.  Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – which is ironic, because he was a firefighter.  Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can figure out the source of what seemed to have poisoned her.  Odd that the mysterious man who appeared at The Lounge one summer afternoon and flirted from the barstool next to her is never seen in the place again.  And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident. [I like this better than giving each death a paragraph, but because there is substantial variation in suicide "types" and I don't think it's at all odd that someone goes into a specific bar once and never returns, I think the following abridged version would be fine, as all you're trying to say is the 4 bobbing deaths are seemingly unrelated.]

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be. Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – ironic, because he was a firefighter. Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can determine the source of what poisoned her. And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident.]

 

Meet John Pierce:  husband, father, police detective.  When he stumbles on information years later that flags [connects all] four deaths as [possible] homicides perpetrated by a most unlikely culprit, John wishes he could leave things buried. [He wishes he could leave things buried because: it'll mean a ton of paperwork? The culprit is his best friend or a fellow cop? He has already determined that all four victims deserved to die? Probably not the latter, as he hasn't unraveled the scheme yet.] But his oath was to uphold and enforce the law.  He picks at the thread and unravels a scheme intended to settle the [a?] score and give closure to an innocent girl.  While stopping the vigilante may save the life of the vigilante’s one remaining target – the evil man who initiated the attack against the innocent girl – it will also come at a searing cost. [If the searing cost is something besides that the villain will still be alive, and the vigilante will be punished, what is it?]

 

CLOSURE, a 96,000-word reality-based whodunit, might appeal to fans of Joseph Wambaugh and John Grisham, and to viewers of The Wire and Southland. [Those TV shows don't focus specifically on getting revenge for the innocent by taking out their tormentors. The Equalizer (as your cop) and Dexter (as your vigilante, sort of) do.] [From Google AI: A popular novel where a cop hunts a vigilante is "Vigilante" by Stephen J. Cannell, which follows a detective who is tasked with finding a vigilante who is targeting criminals. ]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Notes

Shortening the first paragraph gives you room to elaborate on the crime or the scheme or who the unlikely culprit is.

Feedback Request

Shukari is back, and looking for feedback.

When Shukari’s parents are cursed with mysterious conditions that precede certain death, she demands justice. [Demands it from . . . the court? Law enforcement? Maybe just say she wants justice.] If she can find the culprit, she might wring from them a cure. So, she joins a force dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic. They’ll support her goals, if she helps others in return, including protecting eco-cities from crooked mages and violent creatures. [So they're dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic . . . except those committed against people unwilling or unable to take on mages and monsters. Nice.]  Deal. But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience wears thin.  

After too long, she learns where to get key info for her mission. [Her personal mission or the eco-city protecting mission?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus won’t stop her. Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not [Tantalus isn't] talking, and only after failing to catch him does she find the same magic behind the curse [that cursed her parents] is vital to completing new superweapons that have the black market salivating. 

  

Fighting arms dealers and traitors alike, Shukari soon secures the prototype needed to base [model?] the weapons on. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans [offers?] a trade Tantalus can’t resist: give her a [the?] cure and he gets it [the prototype] back. Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But outsmarting a master dealmaker will be tougher than any rampaging monster, and Shukari is putting more than just her parents’ lives on the line. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Notes

I think this clears up a lot of issues. But Shukari's apparent ability to protect eco-cities from mages and violent creatures, and to outsmart a master dealmaker (which is even tougher), isn't explained. She

seems to be Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Witch rolled into one, but no mention is made that she has any super or magical powers.